The Joys of Building Up One Another

Vinny Khinda

May 26, 2020

Human Being is by temperament a Relational Being. We derive great joy in relating, interacting, and sharing our lives with people who truly matter to us. But then why do we experience such destructive emotions which make us insecure and leave a lump in our throats when we see even the best of our friends do well? Probably it has to do with years and years of mental conditioning in this direction. We are living in a self-serving, self-centred, and self-obsessed modern-day rush-rush society filled with negativity and constant tearing down of others. We see this happening all the time, all around us. If you want to really differentiate yourself in this world, be people-oriented and start to focus on building others up. How can this be done, what potential does it hold for our own growth? If others do well, is it of any benefit to us? These are some of the questions worth a reflection.

I have a particular aversion to the so-called sport of show wrestling, the kind we get to witness in WWF/WWE events. Dubbed as a form of performance art and entertainment that combines athletics with theatrical performance, these events are extremely popular with children (and adults), some of whom grew up watching these since they were toddlers. An accepted and hugely popular format with these ‘wrestling’ encounters is spouting of obscenities by the opponents. The more they slander their challenger and lionize themselves, the bigger the applause they receive. This is often seen in other contact sports like boxing and even on the basketball courts where talking trash to their opponents has come to be accepted as a new normal. The gentleman’s game, cricket, is the new kid-on-the-block. Greater number of cricketers are now sledging their opponents, trying to tear them down psychologically in order to disable their game. Some of the logic that is given out behind this kind of an on-field behaviour ranges from the often-quoted refrain of, “at the end of the day, it’s all entertainment”, to that often-repeated catchphrase, “we are good friends off-field, but when it comes to the game, we are competitors.” The former excuse is simply a bad one whereas, in the latter case, sledging sometimes has led to the opposite of what slanderer had hoped to achieve. This is evident in the following two incidents from the game of cricket involving the traditional and fiercest rivals, India and Pakistan. 

The year was 1989, the little master had recently made his debut in Pakistan. Sachin Tendulkar, baby-faced and not even old enough to get a driving licence, was facing the best and the fiercest pack of bowlers in the business, the venue was Peshawar. As the Pakistani crowds jeered and mocked the young batsman, holding out the placards saying, “Dudh Peete Bachhe… ghar jaake dhoodh pee“, (Hey kid, go home and drink milk), Sachin sent the then fledgling leg spinner Mushtaq Ahmed hiding for cover (he had hit two sixes in his previous over). The frustrated mentor of Mushtaq Ahmed, the legendary leg spinner Abdul Qadir challenged Sachin saying, “Bachche ko kya maar rahe ho? Dum hai to mujhe maarke dikhao.” (No big deal hitting a kid, if you have it in you try hitting me). Sachin remained calm, as the world would later come to know of him, as someone who let his bat do the talking. Abdul Qadir had made a simple request and Sachin obliged, and how. Sachin hit 4 sixes in the over, making the spinner look the kid in the contest. The over read 6, 0, 4, 6, 6, 6. David had felled Goliath…. and a legend was born!

During the 1996 India-Pakistan World Cup knockout quarter-final showpiece event in Bangalore, chasing India’s score of 287-8, Pakistan had got off to a flyer of a start, Amir Sohail and Saeed Anwar went about tearing the Indian bowling attack. Pakistan looked all set to win as they reached 110 odd for the loss of just 1 wicket within the 15 overs. Amir Sohail was completely bent on demolishing the Indian bowling to pieces, charging down the track to the faster bowlers, in this particular case he came down the pitch, a good 2-3 steps and slashed the bowler Venkatesh Prasad over vacant off side area…. the ball disappeared into the fence in a flash. What followed has since been etched in the memories of every cricket fan in the subcontinent. Sohail, after hitting the shot pointed his bat towards the area where the bowl had disappeared and in the same moment pointed his finger at Prasad openly lampooning him and apparently gesturing where he will send the next one. It is not every day that you see a batsman sledging the bowler, and Sohail was about to learn just why. Sohail, attempting to repeat the shot (albeit with his feet stuck to the ground this time) made room and exposed his stumps, and his weakness, and in return lost his wicket and his face. As the wickets lay uprooted, Prasad returned the favour to Sohail, pointing to the pavilion this time. The comeback was truly remarkable, almost a miracle…. Prasad has bowled thousands of deliveries and taken hundreds of wickets in his career but, it was this one that granted him a place in the History of Indian Cricket, for ever. Sohail could not control his aggression when he was on top of the bowling attack and lost the battle against his own temper. Reason; that little moment of madness when he thought that instead of his skill, sledging will do it for him. A match that India should have lost, they won with ease, with a margin of almost 50 runs.

These sportspersons who are habitual sledgers, serve as poor role models to the kids following them. Children start believing early on in their lives that in order to succeed, it is perfectly okay to abuse people, to throw vulgarities at them; that they come out as crass, classless individuals, no longer bothers them; at the end of the day, winning is all that matters. Afterall, that’s how their heroes win. They grow up into adults with the same, ‘win at all costs’ arrogance. This outlook in life is responsible for many a misery; unrewarding careers for some and shattered livelihoods for others. There are plenty of examples where the folks higher up on the professional ladder do not allow their subordinates to thrive; they’d nip every novel idea of theirs in the bud and allow the organization to dawdle rather than let their junior hone the limelight. They firmly believe that if the apprentices proved their mettle, they themselves will be shown in poor light. On the other hand, many of the colleagues are always engaged in a never ending duel to show one another down. Such blokes have a firm belief that the address to the road of success lies in annihilating their associates. They learned this art while sitting in their dad’s lap during that WWE event some twenty years ago. Only now they are perfecting the act and turning it into a science, the Science of Destroying People.

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“I’ve always been opposite of a paranoid. I operate as if everyone is part of a plot to enhance my well-being.”

– Stan Dale, Founder of the Human Awareness Institute and author of ‘Fantasies Can Set You Free.’

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Jack Canfield, co-creator of Chicken Soup for the Soul ^® writes in his bestseller book, ‘The Success Principles’, “Imagine how much easier it would be to succeed in life if you were constantly expecting the world to support you and bring you opportunity. Successful people do just that. In fact, there is a growing research that the vibrations of positive expectation that successful people give off, actually attract to them the very experiences they believe they are going to get. Suddenly, obstacles and negatives are seen not as just another example of “Gee, the world hates me,” but as opportunities to grow and change and succeed.”

It would be worthy of thought and time to examine how we can inspire our fellow travelers on this planet and in turn be someone they can trust. To begin with, we need to be wise in our speech. Communication will be more effective and fruitful if we gave it a thought before bringing it on our lips. A good way to instill confidence is to start with a praise. Confrontation seldom serves the purpose. Instead, point out how both of you can together make a difference. Speak at the same level as your audience; do not look down upon them or shout them down. Give them due respect. Messages seldom hit home if delivered in an authoritarian voice intended to humiliate. Even the holy Bible has a take on this as is evident from the following quotes. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29). “The tongue has the power of life and death.” (Proverbs 18:21). “The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life.” (Proverbs 10:11). When we talk, we must make a series of choices about what subjects to discuss, what memories to bring up, and what points to make. There always are negative things that can be said, but there also are positive ones. Choose the positive. Choose to specialize in encouraging others. “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” (Romans 14:19). The Sikh holy book, Sri Guru Granth Sahib, has the following inscribed. “Jis andar taat parayi hove, tiss da kadde na hove bhala.” (Ang-308). (One whose heart is filled with jealousy of others, never comes to any good). “Parr ka bura na raakh chitt, tum kao dukh nahi bhai meet.” (SGGS Ji: 308). (Do not hold evil intentions against others in your mind. And you shall not be troubled. O brothers. O friends.) And finally, two quotes attributed to Gautama Buddha sum it all up. “Don’t mix bad words with bad mood. You’ll have many opportunities to change your mood, but you’ll never get the opportunity to replace the words you spoke”. And “Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: is it true? is it necessary? is it kind?”.

It is a good starting point to keep others in high esteem. Have high regards, great respect, and favourable thoughts of the people in your circle of trust and influence. The six pillars that Nathaniel Branden, the American-Canadian psychotherapist and writer in his book, ‘Six Pillars of Self-Esteem’  has described are: (1) The Practice of Living Consciously, (2) The Practice of Self-Acceptance, (3) The Practice of Self-Responsibility, (4) The Practice of Self-Assertiveness, (5) The Practice of Living Purposefully and (6) The Practice of Personal Integrity. While a discussion on all these concepts is out of scope in the context of the present writeup, self-acceptance and by an extension, acceptance of others as they are, forms an important step in the direction of keeping them in good esteem. Miranda Kerr, the first Australian Victoria’s Secret model makes an important observation when she says, “A rose can never be a sunflower. And a sunflower can never be a rose. All flowers are beautiful in their own way”. 

Encouragement and understanding are two qualities that bring harmony to relationships. Dictionaries have defined encouragement differently but there is a common thread. ‘The action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope’ and ‘the act of trying to stimulate the development of an activity, state, or belief’. The underlying philosophy is to be supportive to people and inspire them to achieve their peak potential. Many a times, folks need an extra nudge in order to hit the highway to success. If you are truthful in your relationships, be that medium, that catalyst. Unfortunately, largely, it is the reverse. Even the best of friends intentionally hold back when all that their mates needed was that extra shove. Also, if they have excelled in a vocation, they like to keep secrets. I believe this to be a catastrophe in interpersonal relationships, a behavior akin to moral corruption of the highest order. People who foster this attitude are ethically fraudulent. It is more dangerous compared with some of the other facets of negativity as the ‘victim’ is seldom able to comprehend what is going on. Most of us, if not all, have at some point in time, done this with the best of our chums. There is another aspect to it. This is in reference to the class of people who, having received vital, life changing inputs at critical junctures of their lives, have treated their well-wishers, the very source of their inspiration, as mere foot mats, meant to collect their dirt but never to be accredited. Later, at the zenith of their success, such are the men who proclaim to have been born geniuses, that they tumbled out of mommy’s tummy, all guns blazing. Plagiarism, in another format I guess, albeit on a canvas much grander, the Canvas of Life. These I believe, are subjects of intense contemplation and need course correction. So next time you believe you have mastered a craft, pick up the phone and teach it, all of it, to your friend. Particularly mention the hurdles and roadblocks you faced during your climb before you hit the summit. Talk about how you overpowered ‘em. Do this so that your buddy must not waste his or her time facing the setbacks you did. Do this so that his climb is smoother as compared with the tough journey you have had. Well, it’s easier said than done. Requires guts and tremendous strength of character. But that is exactly what we need to build. This exercise that I just described is what I believe to be a supreme test of character, one we all need to pass with flying colors. Imagine what a beautiful world it would be if men were sincere in their dealings with one another.

Understanding in relationships means being sympathetically aware of other people’s feelings. Wisdom and understanding go hand in hand. Understanding starts by being an active listener (not planning a reply as one is speaking), asking intelligent questions to gain further insights, and being accepting of what the speaker is sharing. Then, answering without condemning. Or not answering at all and deciding to just be a listening ear. An anonymous quote says it well, “The biggest mistake by most human beings: listening half, understanding quarter, telling double”. This brings us to the very important subject of being a good listener. Stephen Covey, American educator, author, businessman, keynote speaker and author of the epic, bestseller book, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’, has a wonderful take on listening, rather the lack of it. He says, “The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.”  Dr. John Gottman,  an American psychological researcher and clinician, award-winning speaker, author, and a Professor Emeritus in Psychology, has compiled a wonderful and very useful catalogue of ten skills needed to be an active listener. The list goes like this: (1) Focus on being interested, not interesting, (2) Start by asking questions, (3) Look for commonalities, (4) Tune in with all your attention, (5) Be involved, communicate you are listening with a nod/sound, (6) Paraphrase what the speaker says, (7) Validate the speaker’s emotions, (8) Maintain eye contact, (9) Let go of your own agenda, and (10) Turn off the TV. Communication can be verbal as well as non-verbal. We are all very well acquainted with the verbal format of interaction, but few are aware of the non-verbal one and we need to increase our understanding of this very important tool of communication. Touch, facial expressions, eye contact, gestures (especially those involving hand and arms), body movements, posture, silence, use of personal and social space, appearance and cultural artifacts are some of the examples of non-verbal communication. Prof. Albert Mehrabian, Professor Emeritus of Psychology, University of California Los Angles, has to his credit a formula called ‘The Mehrabian Formula’ according to which only 7 percent of the communication happens in the form of spoken words. A further 38 percent of the messages pertaining to feelings and attitudes is para-linguistic (the way that the words are said). But a whopping 55 percent of the messages pertaining to feelings and attitudes is conveyed by the way of our facial expressions. What an eye opener of an information!

High up on not-to-do list is, gossip mongering. Do not gossip. Keep others’ secrets. Never speak stuff that causes unnecessary hurt to others by speaking unclaimed and unverified rumors behind their back. Couple of anonymous quotes say it well. “Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools and accepted by idiots.” Another one, “The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.” And finally, a famous Irish saying talks about the perils of entertaining gossipers, “Who gossips with you will gossip of you.”

A famous legend of the Arab lands goes like this:

There once lived a gossip monger. He always preoccupied himself in talking about others. He could not resist the urge. Whenever he heard a story about somebody he knew, and sometimes about somebody he did not know, he just had to tell it to his friends. Since he was in business, he heard a lot of rumors and stories. He didn’t care if it was true or not. He loved the attention he got from his gossip, which he sometimes spiced up with little details he invented to make them funnier, juicier, and more palatable. Other than that, he was really a pleasant man.

He kind of knew it was wrong, but . . . it was too tempting, and in any case, most of what he told had really happened, didn’t it?

One day he found out something really weird about another businessman in the town and his wife. Of course he felt compelled to share what he knew with his colleagues, who told it to their friends, who told it to people they knew, who told it to their wives and so the gossip spread around town until the unhappy businessman who was the main character in the story heard about it. He ran to the wise man of the town and wailed and complained that he was ruined! His good name and his reputation were gone with the wind.

The wise old man decided to call the man who loved to tell stories. If he was not the one who started them, he might at least know who did. When the nice man with the nasty problem heard from the wise man how devastated his colleague was, he felt truly sorry and admitted his guilt.

“True, or not true, that really makes no difference! You just cannot tell stories about people. This is all slander, and it’s like murder—you kill a person’s reputation.” shouted the wise man. The man who started the rumor now felt really bad and sorry. “What can I do to remedy the harm?” he sobbed. “I will do anything you say!”

The wise old man looked at him. “Do you have any feather pillows in your house? bring me one.” The man was mystified, but he returned with a nice fluffy pillow under his arm. “Cut it open!”, said the wise man. The man cut the pillow. A cloud of feathers came out.  Being a windy day, they floated all over the place and a lot of them flew out of the window in a big swirling, whirling trail.

The wise man waited a while. Then he ordered the gossip monger: “Now bring me back all the feathers, and stuff them back in your pillow. All of them, mind you. Not one may be missing!” “That is impossible! The ones here in the room I might get, most of them, but the ones that flew out of the window are gone. I can’t do that, you know it!”

“Yes”, that is how it is… once a rumor or a gossip or a ‘secret’, leaves your mouth, you do not know where it ends up. It flies on the wings of the wind, and you can never get it back!”.

There is a reference to gossip mongering in the Holy Quran as well. “If what you say about him is true, then you have backbitten him, but if it is not true then you have slandered him.”  (Hadith-Muslim).

“People hurt each other. It happens to everyone. Intentionally, unintentionally, regretfully, or not. It’s a part of what we do as people. The beauty is that we have the ability to heal and forgive.” – Adi Alsaid, Mexican author. Be prompt in forgiving. When others make a mistake, be quick to forgive and forget; releasing them from guilt and shame that may take root in one’s heart when not dealt with over time. It also helps the one who forgives as is evident in the following quote attributed to Robert Muller, former Assistant Secretary-General of the UN; “To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” Also, stay humble. Humility and maturity are synonymous. Do not brag. Exalted people accomplish much, but seldom blow their own trumpet. They are secure in their standing without needing to make noise, often treating everyone with tremendous respect, regardless of position. Case in point, Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar, a little story of whom was shared towards the early part of this passage.

Be positive! Positive thinking is uninhibited, unambiguous, and outspoken. It is infectious. It is a choice. “Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” – Gautama Buddha.   Build up your loved ones with your positiveness, allowing them to be open for better things to come. Also, the knowledge is to be shared. In totality. Without agendas.  Found an article, a book or an inspiring TED talk? Share it with the people who matter. Sharing is now so much easier with the availability of web tools and apps such as Facebook, Twitter and WhatsApp. Share your professional knowledge with colleagues, you stand to gain as well, reciprocation will follow. Sharing leads to better results in our work and life, enlightens our soul, and improves our daily conversations.

When it comes to helping our friends who are in need, Jane Chapman, Professor of Communications, University of Lincoln, has beautifully described the eight ways that we can be of help. These are: (1) Be specific in your offers of help, (2) Don’t force your help on them, (3) Only offer help that you are genuinely able to give, (4) Don’t assume you know what’s best for them, (5) Remember that small thoughtful gestures go a long way, (6) Listen more than talk, (7) Be someone they can trust, and (8) Help them to see a brighter future.

Ask yourself this very important question. “Do I bring sunshine or gloom into the room?” 

And finally, as they say, make love, not war. Quoting Bible and writing about love, the freelance writer Daniel Richard puts it beautifully, as he writes, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails … And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13, NIV). Building up a person is only made effective when done so together with love. Care for your loved ones how you would want to be cared for. Build up one another how you would like to be inspired. As a result, you will move up to a whole new level of breakthroughs in life. Going one step further, visualize how and to whom you can build up and inspire changes for the better. Then work towards making that a reality. The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer someone else. Continue encouraging and building one another up. And start seeing growth and advancements in your relationship with people and to the ones who truly matter to you today.

Here is wishing everyone, a Happy Mind, Happy Life.